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It’s been weeks since I last listened to worship songs. Tinataguan ko na naman kasi si Lord.
I’m going to be completely honest. Nao-overwhelm na naman ako sa life. Tapos natatakot ako na ewan.
I was on my way to a dermatologist appointment and I decided I’d listen to my WORSHIP mixtape. It’s been weeks since I listened to worship songs. (Back story: I was a worship leader since high school parang 2008 I think? And I’ve always considered worship as my anchor to God.) Actually, I was avoiding listening to worship songs lately dahil pakiramdam ko I will stand face-to-face with God and He will see the mess that I am again. It’s embarrassing.
Before I even parked the car iyak na ako nang iyak. Ang sakit-sakit. I was talking to God sabi ko:
“Lord, ano na naman to? Ayoko na nang ganitong buhay. Basagin Mo na uli yung puso ko. Ayoko na ng ganito. Napapagod na ko. Pakita Mo sakin anong kailangan kong ayusin o bitawan. Dalhin Mo ko kung san mo ko gustong gamitin. Ayoko na, Lord. Bigyan Mo naman ako ng mga taong tutulong sakin, kahit yung makakausap ko man lang.”
I wiped my face and did my best to conceal my tear-stricken eyes.
Pagpasok ko pa lang ng office ni Doc Jaimee, kinumusta na nya ko agad and napansin na nya agad na di ako okay. So I opened up to her. (Grabe, Doc, ilang beses mo na ba ako na-impromptu therapy sa clinic??)
She asked me to define ‘ganitong buhay’.
I tried to be as honest as I can. Umamin ako na I have been struggling, after asking God last Q4 2024 to “teach me na sa Kanya umasa instead of my own capabilities”. And that I feel like ang tigas na naman ng puso ko—like I had to toughen up, lest I risk being a liability. I don’t want that. Hindi nga kasi ako marunong tumanggap ng tulong. For starters, I don’t know how to ask for help. It makes me uncomfortable being vulnerable that I would need help. So I have been doing things my way again, trying to be in the driver’s seat but feeling lost. I’m doing things my way again—kasi natatakot ako what if di ako sagipin ni Lord this time? Ayokong mahirapan. Hindi ako sanay nang nahihirapan! I know hindi gusto ni Lord yung ginagawa ko, so I have been hiding myself from Him. And napapagod na ko. Because I keep running in circles. Another thing is I hate that I have these internal battles when I seem to be living a good life on the surface. I have thoughts like, “mukha ka namang okay, bakit hindi ka okay??”
She told me lahat naman talaga tayo may internal battles and kanya-kanya lang ng pagdadala. She shared about how she also struggled when she was the same age as I am now. And that when she let go and reached that “bahala Ka na, Lord” point, things started to fall into place.
Look, that’s a cliché. I’ve hear that a million times. I’ve said that a million times myself. But I’ve forgotten how powerful that simple prayer is.
I’ve always hated the phrase “ikaw bahala” or “bahala ka”. But in this context, it’s the perfect answer.
“Bahala Ka na, Lord. Hindi ko na alam. Pagod na ko. Ayoko na.”
Ang bilis sumagot ni Lord, noh? Sabi ko send me people who would help me kahit makausap ko lang. And si Doc Jaimee yung ginamit Nya. Galing.
That same day, nakasabay ko sa clinic yung isa ko pang friend, si Marie, and nagkwentuhan kami. Then dumating yung isa kong friend, si Vallen, and we had lunch. Then Kenneth, my ADHD twin, also messaged me. Then si EJ din. Ang dami!
Sabi ko kay EJ, binibigyan naman ako ni Lord ng opportunities and connections. Alam kong kailangan ko na lang kumilos, pero nawawalan kasi ako ng tiwala sa sarili ko and natatakot ako… Kaya ang prayer ko naman ngayon is i-lead ako ni Lord kung san ba Nya ko gusto.
Zooming out, that day may opportunity na naman na nag-open up. Then the following day, also. Grabe?? Ako na lang hinihintay.
Takot pa rin ako. I still have some unbelief. Hindi pa rin buo tiwala ko sa sarili ko. It’s so hard to rebuild… grabe. I guess this is part of being human: Never mo mararamdaman na enough ka. But it makes sense—that in our wretchedness, in our lack, only God can heal and make us whole.