Through The Eras
I have been in my feelings since I've seen The Eras Tour movie. I knew I would cry at one point but I still don't know why.
Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour is the ultimate fan dream. Especially someone in a third world country who has never seen her perform live, not even once! Imagine having all the tour experience you missed wrapped in a single concert night. And even though I was still unable to see her perform live, I had the best experience I could have in that movie theatre seeing The Eras Tour movie.
I would always tell the unorthodox story of how I came about Taylor Swift and her music whenever I get a chance. Here’s how it goes:
It was the summer break in high school and I was in an almost relationship with my soon-to-be first official boyfriend. This moment of my life was painful, filled with yearning, and just confusing. I couldn’t find a way for me to let my feelings known other than music. So I sat in front of my childhood keyboard, one that has lived the same years as me. I played and sang the most poignant songs I know. But they don’t feel enough to explain what I’m feeling. I went online to search for the saddest song I could find. That’s when I found Taylor Swift’s Cold As You.
And down the rabbit hole I go.
Taylor had only released her self-titled album then. There were no eras to count yet. There was only the country girl with the dress and the boots and the bracelets and the curly hair and the number 13 written on the back of her hand— which by the way was a phase I went through. (Should I show you a photo…? I should show you a photo.)
From then on, I’ve navigated my life looking for myself in Taylor Swift songs. In college, I earned the nickname Fearless for singing and playing, well, Fearless in front of all Computer Engineering students in the university as a freshman. I also found myself living in another Taylor Swift Song— Fifteen. Because it’s my freshman year and I’m gonna be here for the next five years in this town hoping one of those senior boys would pay attention to me. hehe
I remember finally letting myself catch feelings for a guy whilst I play Mine on the guitar for him. I would imagine growing up and seeing all my bullies washed up and ranting about the same old little things like in the song Mean. I daydreamed singing Long Live years later when I finally make it in life.
I remember blasting the entire Red album driving from home to uni feeling the morning breeze in my car. And how I’d cry my heart out singing All To Well.
I remember being drawn into Clean the most when 1989 came out. I guess it’s the song closest to my situation at that time— I was trying to move on from an on-off relationship, finding some days when I think I am finally clean.
When Reputation came out, I was living in a different country on the guise of seeking greener pastures. In reality, I needed to physically move on from my old life. It was a time when I was trying to pull myself together, moving on from a long-term relationship, and just trying to stick to the job I am in. And also hoping for a New Year’s Day kind of love I wanted to be ready for in the future.
I promised myself Lover will be my wedding song. But 2019 had different plans.
Folklore and Evermore were my pandemic soundtracks— tell me I’m not the only one?
I guess the reason I became emotional during the film was: Hearing the songs from all her eras also reminded me of my own eras. The boys I liked, the friends who didn’t want to hang out with me, the bullies, the people who loved and believed in me. It reminded me of the wide-eyed girl who dreamt of growing up and having the most amazing life. It compelled me look at her.
Whenever I look back at my life I feel a mix of pride and shame. I nitpick at how I could have done things for the better. I wallow in regrets. I don’t give myself enough credit.
But Taylor made me understand that those eras were necessary. They made me who I am today.
She showed me I can get rid of shame and take my power back by having a laugh at my past mistakes. You know, shaking it off. Understanding that it’s all part of progress, of growing up and learning— embracing all the eras of our own.